I've been thinking some of suicide.

It really started with Elliot Smith. I wrote the following the day he died:

"It was the first I heard of his death. The voice mail notification mysteriously appeared across my cell phone screen a few moments ago. It was Andy calling to say hello and tell me that Elliot Smith committed suicide today at the age of thirty-four. The voice of an automated woman told me that Andy’s message had arrived at 8:09PM. The only thing that makes that noteworthy is that a few minutes prior I had put Elliot’s “Figure 8" in my CD player for the first time in months. I don’t suppose that there was any supernatural effect on my subconscious to listen to him, but somewhere within I want there to be a connection to him today. I want to believe that his suicide changed the world forever–that the exit of one soul to its eternal resting place changes the atmosphere of our daily lives. Part of me wonders if we aren’t partially to blame for his death? We heard his pain, we consumed it, we spun it ruthlessly around inside our stereos. We sang along with every word but never tried to reach him."

I'm not sure why all of the sudden, but suicide has become a very prevalent topic in my life lately--not regarding my own life, but the lives of others: friends of friends, co-workers of friends, strangers on the news, celebrities. And I'm still thinking about it, thinking through it, feeling broken hearted over it--wishing there was a way to reach every person who might be considering.

posted by Cameron Lawrence at 01:00